Robert Harry Clark Jr.

March 3, 2005 was a day I can recall with perfect clarity. That was the day my dad passed away and my life would be forever changed. It has now been 3 1/2 years and it is still no easier that he is gone. I can go for days, weeks, or even months now with out being sad or angry. But sometimes it can hit me like a tidal wave and stop me in my tracks. Sometimes I wake up and forget I cannot see him, or I have a vivid dream so realistic that I wake up thinking it was actually happening.

My dad was an amazing man, although he did not know God he had many attributes I would consider Christlike. Many of these qualities I now posses due to him make me a better person are learned first from him. Giving, service, honesty, humor, kindness, empathy, loyalty, self-sacrifice and love. He pretty much raised me, my mom was there but in and out and then out all together after 7th grade. Because of this my dad and I were so close and to lose him was losing my entire family (I have a half sister but we are not close).

My father's death of course completely changed who I am at this moment. Soon after he died I realized some brutal things about my personality that made me reshape much of my faith. Because of this I started to depend only upon God which I had not done previously. For a long time I was angry at God for taking my father away before he came to know Christ. I shared the gospel with my father on many occasions of the 4 years I was a Christian before he died. I prayed for him almost every day for those years. I felt secure in knowing that I shared the truth of God with him and how I felt about his life choices.For Christmas in 2004 I gave him a letter for his present along with a Bible. The letter outlined how God felt about him, how I felt about him and how much more he could have if he knew Christ. The letter I gave to him at Christmas eve service...the Bible I did not have that night. The day i finally gave him the Bible was the Friday before he died.

My father had begun dating this woman named Lynn my senior year of High School and moved in with her half way through that year. Leaving me at home while he was with her. I moved in with them after my first years of college. Lynn was not a good woman by any means she was a alcoholic, she smoked crack and pot on a regular basis. She was verbally abusive, mentally draining and almost non-functional. During my first year of college my half-brother who I was very close to died from complications of pneumonia with the help of Hepatitis C and HIV (from iv drug use). After this my dad never recovered. He blamed himself and Lynn really only worsened his depression. They constantly fought and she dragged him down her dark wicked spiral. I lived with them as long as I could take it (mostly to try and get my father out of the relationship). I paid bills on a regular basis, was the only one who cleaned, worked 20+ hours a week and went to school full time. During this time my patience was tested, and I was constantly coming to God remembering to love Lynn because He does.There were fond memories of this time time that I would not trade for anything. Like my dad almost always having dinner waiting for me when he knew I would be home, and then eating with just him and I. Or going to Russia and being able to show him all my pictures and share my experience with him. He would stay up and wait for me even when he had to be awake at 4 am and I would get home at 1am just to make sure I was safe, and ask how my night was. During this time at Lynn's I think I really was able to gain a new perspective of my dad, to see how much he really lived to support me.

I loved my father very much and losing him was and may be one of the hardest trials I have ever faced. I still have no idea why God took him away and am not sure I will ever understand until I can ask God myself. I do know God promises that good comes to those who love Him, and everything he does is perfect. There is so much I would trade to have some special moments with him: to have him walk me down the aisle at my wedding, give me away and have that special father daughter dance. To be able to actually get to know Dave and see how special he is to me. To be able to have him meet his first grand child. To be able to have one last dinner waiting for me when I get home, or just to talk to him when I am sad and need the advice only he could offer. So I guess long story short I miss you dad.